What Is Your Legacy?
“The things you do for yourself are gone when you are gone, but the things you do for others are your legacy.”
– Kalu Ndukewe Kalu
I never was one to think about things like, “How will I be remembered?” or “What will my legacy be?” But I think those questions naturally emerge when you start to recognize your own mortality. And for most people, I believe those kinds of thoughts start to surface when you realize that you have more years behind you than years that you have in front of you. It’s a sobering thought. Sure, my body may ache when I move a certain way, or I realize I can’t run as fast as I could when I was in my twenties. Heck. I still think I can go toe-to-toe with my daughters when it comes to doing physical things like lifting weights and wrestling. 😊 But those things are superficial. Our bodies naturally wear down as we age. Our looks begin to fade, we start to notice more and more gray hairs on our head, and parts of our bodies aren’t as perky as they used to be. It’s just the way it is. But my body is not my legacy. Yes, my looks will fade as may my memory. The lessons I’ve taught my children and grandchildren, the way I treat and view people, the way I’ve lived my life all speak to the very things that people recognize “me” for me.
I’m not sure if there is a specific process that people go through when they start to think about their legacy. But before we dive into that question, let’s come to an understanding of what legacy is. I’ve found many definitions out there, but the one I feel that best captures how I am referring to legacy is as follows:
The definition of “Legacy” is something that is passed on. But Legacy can take many forms. A Legacy may be of one's faith, ethics, and core values… A Legacy may be monetary or your assets… A Legacy may come from one's character, reputation and the life you lead – setting an example for others and to guide their futures.
With this definition of legacy, would you be able to articulate what your legacy is? When asked this question, people instinctively start to think about how they’ve lived their lives and begin to list what they’ve accomplished up until this point. “Can I be proud of the way I’ve lived my life?” “Is there something I wish I could have done differently?” “Do I have some unfinished business that I need to tend to?” As I sit here and do both an introspection and retrospection of my life, I can clearly identify two main principles that I’ve tried to live by. The first is: “Try not to judge others” and the second is to “Always take the high road.”
I haven’t always been successful at living my life according to these two principles. But I know that every time I’ve fallen short, something deep inside didn’t feel right. Of course, I didn’t recognize what it was back then, but hindsight is 20/20.
The first account I can recall when I consciously put these principles to work was when I was in my twenties, as my ex and I were going through a split-up that ended in a divorce. When the kids would come back home after spending the weekend with their father, the next few days were spent undoing the negative talk they experienced when they were there. An automatic response would be to counter everything they heard by talking negatively about their father. But I knew in my heart, the kids didn’t deserve that. They love both of us and they shouldn’t have to choose one over the other. I turned to God and prayed about what I should do. And the thought that kept echoing in my mind was, “Take the high road. Things will eventually be revealed.” And so, I trusted that voice. It took years of taking the high road, hearing unkind things being said. And while that period in my childeren’s life was very difficult, their late teen years into their adulthood took a different turn.
Fast forward a few years…I remarried to my now husband, Steve. In 2005, Brittany, Ricky, Steve, and I moved to North Carolina, while Courtney stayed with her dad, Rick, in New York. I knew Rick wanted to move down to North Carolina to be close to the kids, so Steve and I opened our home to him. We told him he could stay with us while he was looking for a place to live. And so, Rick took us up on our offer and stayed with us for a few months.
Thee benefit of taking the high road led to many things opening up for us: being able to celebrate the kids’ birthdays together, going to school events together, and celebrating holidays together, just to name a few. As they got older and had their own families, they were never put in a position where they had to choose which parent to invite for the holidays or worry about having their parents in the same room.
Taking the high road isn’t always the easiest thing to do. Depending on the situation, it can be quite difficult, even painful. My high road in this situation was not a one-time thing. It required me to stay steadfast; to always be mindful of what the end goal was: make sure that the kids saw their mother remain tender, kind-hearted, and compassionate regardless of how she was being treated. The greatest thing that I could point to that helped me stay strong in my resolve was and still is my trust in God. I knew that the things that people were saying about me were spewed out of anger and didn’t represent who I was. My friends kept pleading with me to set the record straight with the kids and defend myself. But in my mind, I knew the truth and felt that as time passed, the lies would be forgotten, as the way I behaved would counter any question about my character. Defending myself wasn’t the important thing; my children’s well-being was.
My legacy to my children, grandchildren, and those I love is my life, shaped by the principles of “taking the high road” and “not judging others”. As I previously stated, taking the high road is certainly not the easiest path to take. I didn’t really dive into not judging others but understand that the principles behind that lie in the concepts that you don’t know what people are dealing with on an emotional, spiritual, and physical level. You don’t know what they experienced as a child. You don’t know what they fear, how they were raised, or the scars they carry with them. So, until you walk a mile in their shoes, don’t be so quick to judge another.
Living by these concepts has blessed me a thousand times over. I wake up every day being grateful for another day of life. For the fact that I have a roof over my head and a warm bed to wake up in. Grateful for my health and for the fact that I have two eyes that can appreciate a beautiful sunrise or witness a touching moment between loved ones. Living by these concepts has given me a heart that loves my family unconditionally, a heart that is touched by a lonely elderly person, and a heart that is warmed by the smiles and laughter of children playing. All these things make up the legacy that I leave behind, my footprint in this world.
