Fitting In: Part 1

At some point in your life, have you ever experienced that awkward moment, that moment when you have felt uncomfortable? Maybe you felt like you don’t fit in or that you don’t feel accepted by your peers, co-workers or family? Maybe you just felt like the outsider. What is it that makes us feel this way? Is it something that we are innately born with? Or is it learned? Perhaps it has something to do with the way we feel about ourselves? My earliest recollection of feeling like I didn’t belong was when I first started my school career. How is it that at such a young age I could experience those feelings? I don’t believe I was able to verbalize those feelings as, “I don’t fit in”, but in retrospect, I know that’s what I was feeling. Try to think back to when you were five. Now think about leaving that one person who has been around you your whole life, 24 x 7! Mom. She drops you off in an unfamiliar place (and oh by the way, she’s probably crying which makes this even scarier) and then she leaves you there! “I don’t belong here! Who are these people? I’ve never seen them before in my life!” Let’s face it…it’s pretty SCARY! But after a short while, that scary feeling disappears. I guess I didn’t have the opportunity to dwell on the uneasiness for too long as I got to chatting with the other kids. We were laughing, playing, and talking about everything that popped into our heads.

I know I’ve experienced those feelings like I don’t belong several times in my life. Maybe you’re saying to yourself, “being uncomfortable and feeling like I don’t fit are not the same thing”. I tend to agree with that line of thinking. However, I feel that they both have the same affect when it happens. But the way that each are handled and how long those feelings last differ.

Move #1

That uncomfortable feeling was a popular theme in grade school and then again into high school. Kindergarten up until the third grade, I attended St. Peter Canisius Catholic school in Chicago. In the middle of my fourth grade year, we moved from Chicago to a suburbs outside of Chicago. This was my first major transition in my life. Why couldn’t we have made the move in the beginning of the school year?

I’m not sure how fourth grade was for you, but for me… cliques started to be a thing. How was I going to fit in? Why doesn’t someone just talk to me? Is it time to go home yet? I wrestled with those feelings for a bit, but they didn’t last long. Luckily for me, the kids at St. Matthews were cool and yes, they even talked to me! I eventually made some really good friends. And thanks to Facebook, I have been able to reconnect with many of them.

Move #2: The Big Move

And then, the worst possible thing that could have happened at that point in my life happened! It was my junior year of high school in the month of December. My parents moved us from Glendale Heights, Illinois to Long Island, New York. I had to leave my family (cousins, aunts, and uncles) and my friends. Everything I’ve ever known. My life was over! (insert crying face) It was, by far, the hardest thing I ever had to do. Talk about not fitting in! One of my first impressions of the people on the island was an interaction between the cashier at Pergaments (a local hardware store) and my mother. I guess my mother’s accent, which made it a challenge for the cashier to understand my mom, gave her the go-ahead to be rude. There were a few “bad” interactions that I observed in the first few weeks of our move that added to this sixteen year old’s overall anger with having to move at this point in my life.

The cliques had already formed at Mercy High School. Friendships had been forged as a result of the same groups of people attending the same schools since kindergarten. How on earth was I going to fit in? Trying to find my way from both a “fitting in at school” and a “need to feel accepted” perspectives where things I had to overcome, learn, and do. As far as lessons learned go, had I crawled into a hole and not met this head on, I believe the adjustment period could have been much longer.

A Common Theme

No doubt, being uncomfortable, feeling awkward, and not fitting in are more common than you realize. I think it’s something that pops up from time to time and the degree to which you can assimilate, to process, and to accept each situation dictates whether you begin to feel accepted, to fit in and to move on.

Fast forward to your college days. No doubt living away from home and staying on campus was exciting! I mean I am in control now and no one can tell me when to be home or that it is too late to go out, especially on a school night! Maybe fitting in wasn’t an issue for you. Maybe you were one of those kids who experienced these feelings and being scared and nervous about setting foot onto campus gave you anxiety. What did you do to combat that anxiety? Did you engage your classmates and attend home games or did you stay in your dorm? Did you take steps to assimilate into this new environment or did you sit back and wait for people to approach you?

How about your first day at a that new job? Now I’m not talking about that summer job you got just to pass time, but the job that you worked to get. Your first “grown-up” job; the job that you cared about. I know I was excited! I wanted to make a good impression and wanted to show my manager that the decision to hire me was the right choice. Yes, it was uncomfortable and a little awkward at first. But I made a commitment to myself, a decision to fit it and excel in my role. And because of this promise, I did just that.

The “M” Word

Perhaps a situation that requires the biggest adjustment, where you may feel like the outsider or you have that strong desire to fit in comes when you get married. Everyone knows that when you marry the man or woman, you marry the family. But how do I fit into a family that’s been “together” all these years? Will they accept me? Accept me for who I am and where I came from or will they make me feel like the outsider?

The first family get-together. Awkward! Everyone was so friendly. Smiles and all. But…what do we talk about? What do I do to combat that uncomfortable feeling? Do I get up and “blend”? Or do I just attach myself to my husband? Yeah. That seems like the most comfortable thing to do. Everywhere he goes, I’ll go. And when someone talks to him, they’ll have no choice but to talk to me as well. But what if he walks away and leaves me alone?

The second family get-together. Ok. The faces are familiar and I remember their names! Should I approach Aunt Pat and start a conversation? C’mon Imee. Just take a step towards her and show some initiative! Breathe. Oh look! Uncle Charlie is making his way to me. Someone noticed me. I’d say this routine was something I followed for quite some time as it didn’t require me to do anything that made me feel uncomfortable. BUT what it did do was create this imaginary wall that separated me from the family; that fed into that feeling of not being accepted by them. One day it dawned on me that these feelings, this fear that I had was all in my head. They were all very pleasant. They talked to me and made me feel welcomed. What else could they possibly do to make me feel like I was one of them? That I fit in? What I was experiencing was not a result of anything they did. It was a result of my fears, my inability to take the initiative, to make the move, to assimilate.

It was hard to do that introspection. To look at myself and understand the part I played in feeling out of place. But when I did that, when I put those feelings in their proper place, I actually enjoyed get-togethers. I enjoyed approaching the family and learning about them. This new skill that I developed served me not only when we got together with the family, but it also helped when I attended social gatherings. Look. Everyone feels awkward and uncomfortable. Especially when you’re going to a place where everyone is a stranger. But remember…everyone is in the same boat. We just need someone to break the ice, to start the conversation, to take the initiative.

So do your best to put aside your fear. Take control of the situation. Breathe. Breathe again. And then move forward.