Fitting In: Part 2
In Part 1 of Fitting In, I talked about situations where you might have felt awkward and uncomfortable to the point where you felt like you were not accepted by your family, friends or coworkers, as if you were the outsider. I shared some times in my life when I experienced these uncomfortable moments, gave you insight into why I was feeling the way I was feeling, and then, offered some suggestions on what you could do to address those moments head on.
But who of you have felt that in order to fit in and feel accepted by others you had to make some changes? Changes that required you to change your physical appearance or change the way you were. This is what this week’s topic will hone in on - changing yourself to fit in.
When I was a teenager, I had a couple of close girlfriends. We hung out all the time and did everything together. At school before the first bell rang, we’d hang out in the commons. Between classes we’d meet up at our lockers and walk to class together. If we didn’t have time to talk about all the things that just happened in the previous class during our walk to the next class, we’d pass notes to each other during class and hopefully do so without getting caught. Careful planning and, often times, class participation was required. It was a line of sight thing, the shortest distance from point A to point B, which meant that you needed help from people who fell outside of your circle of friends. It’s a skill that the Gen Alphas may struggle with. BUT I’m sure their smartphone skills far exceed mine and that their ability to get a message to a friend is much easier now than it was for those of us who had to use paper and pen to get “urgent” messages to friends.
We each had our unique personalities. Some were more outgoing than others. Some were louder than others. Some were more daring than others. But despite the dissimilarities, we got along extremely well. I think it’s these differences that balanced our group, that made our relationship interesting.
There was one girl that stood out to me. I’ll call her Mary. Mary was average, in terms of not too loud and not too quiet. She was fun to be around and made me laugh. But I noticed that when she was around us, she acted one way and when we were around other people, she’d act quite differently. What’s up with that? What makes someone feel like they need to act differently based on whose company they are in?
At first I thought it had to do with the fact that our group was in all honors classes. The reason I say this is because whenever we were around the kids who were in the regular classes, she acted “weird”. So much so that I didn’t even recognize her. I brushed it off and didn’t think anything more of it. Then, we were out on a Friday night at the popular hangout - the skating rink. Not only were kids from my school there, but kids from the surrounding public schools were there as well. I saw that different personality emerge again! What the heck! This behavior surfaced several times throughout my high school career. But I never said anything. I just dismissed it as her being quirky. But as I look back now…the question of why did she feel the need to behave differently around people outside our immediate group of friends makes me wonder what were the reasons why she acted that way.
I was talking to Brittany about the focus of Part 2: Fitting In and she told me that she has a friend who acts this way. When she’s around one set of friends she behaves one way and changes her behavior when she is around a different set of friends. In my day, we referred to these individuals as “fake” because their behavior changed so often. Here’s the thing. Self-monitoring isn't fake or bad. Everyone does it sometimes. Think about it. Your behavior at a funeral would be quite different than how you would behave at a rock concert. Perhaps, you watch how speak when you’re around your children than when you’re with your friends. Another example is how you dress. You dress like a professional at work, but outside of work you dress down. These things are easy to do and often times, the considerate thing to do. So the question becomes why are you altering your behavior based on who you’re around? Is it being done to be considerate of other people’s feelings or does it run much deeper than that?
Changing your behavior for the wrong reasons is something I wanted to explore. Something I was curious about. So I did some research on the topic and found this disorder call Dependent Personality Disorder (DPD). People with DPD become emotionally overdependent on other people and spend great effort trying to please others. Some ways that DPD manifests itself is through excessive neediness, being, passive, or have a a fear of separation.
Other common characteristics of DPD include:
Inability to make decisions, even everyday decisions like what to wear, without the advice and reassurance of others
Avoidance of adult responsibilities by acting passive and helpless; dependence on a spouse or friend to make decisions like where to work and live
Intense fear of abandonment and a sense of devastation or helplessness when relationships end; often moving right into another relationship when one ends
Oversensitivity to criticism
Pessimism and lack of self-confidence, including a belief that they are unable to care for themselves
Avoidance of disagreeing with others for fear of losing support or approval
Inability to start projects or tasks because of a lack of self-confidence
Difficulty being alone
Willingness to tolerate mistreatment and abuse from others
Placing the needs of their caregivers above their own
Tendency to be naïve and to fantasize
As far as the cause of DPD goes, it’s not quite known. However, it’s most likely to involve a combination of biological, developmental, temperamental, and psychological factors. Some researchers believe that an authoritarian or overprotective parenting style can lead to the development of dependent personality traits in people who are susceptible to the disorder.
Looking back and thinking about my high school days, I can see some of the behaviors listed above present in my friend. I’m not a psychiatrist or a human behaviorist, but if you are exhibiting DPD characteristics and find yourself changing your behavior for the wrong reasons to the point where is it detrimental to your health and wellness, I would encourage you to seek professional help. Doing so does not mean you are weak or inadequate. It’s just the opposite. Recognizing there is a problem and seeking the necessary help shows true strength and the desire to change your situation.
Feeling out of place and like you don’t belong or are not accepted can certainly make you feel alone and uncomfortable. The way that one handles this uneasiness varies from one person to the next. Some avoid the situation as much as possible. Others face the challenge head on. While others find it difficult to make decisions or even worse, fall victim to mistreatment and abuse. It’s easy to pass judgment when we see someone being fake or behaving oddly. When you come across these situations, I ask you to approach each one with understanding and kindness. If you take a moment and step back, you just might see someone who is scared and lonely. Might not be the case all the time, but I’d rather err on the side of compassion and kindness rather than indifference and cold-heartedness. You can never predict how your one act of kindness can impact the person on the receiving end.
