Is Life Better When We Get Older?
When I Grow Up, I’m Going To…
I can remember thinking when I was a little girl, “I can’t wait until I get older. Then, no one can tell me what time to go to bed.” When my teenage years hit, I wasn’t concerned with bedtime. Now, I wanted to control curfew. “Why do I have to be in by 11:00 pm when all my friends have until midnight?” “Life has got to better when I get older!” My perspective changed again when I was in college. I came and went as I pleased. No one to ask me, “Where are you going?” or “Be home by midnight.” The perfect life! Except…I really didn’t have the money to support the activities I wanted to do or the places I wanted go. So, my wish at this point in my life was, I can’t wait until I get established! Find that perfect job. Then, I can truly do whatever I want, whenever I want. So naïve!
A Change In Perspective
The idea for this blog was borne out of a conversation I recently had with my aunt. I called to wish her a happy birthday. Being that she does not live close to me, any conversations we have usually last for at least a half an hour. This one lasted about eight minutes. I had asked her how she spent her birthday. She said they had celebrated the weekend prior. My aunt went to lunch with my other aunt, my uncle, and one of my aunt’s closest friends. She received calls from friends and family. “It was nice.” We talked about how old she is, 73. Then, proceeded to talk about how old my grandparents were when they passed. They, along with my two uncles, were in their sixties when they passed. My dad defied that number. He passed away at 74. I teased my aunt and told her she’s going to live well into her nineties, to which she responded, “Are you crazy?” She told me she’s ready now. As I hung up the phone, I wondered, “What makes a person want to die?” Isn’t life supposed to be better when you get older?
I must admit, I was a little sad to hear her say those words. I always thought that when you got older, when you reached retirement, you get to relax and enjoy the rest of your life. Not wish that God take you. Thinking about her response got me thinking about my own mortality. I was always of the mind that I was going to live well into my 100’s. But sheesh, is that really what I want after hearing her? When I’m 100, my oldest daughter will be 80 and my oldest grandchild will be 62. Holy crap! Sit with that for a second.
When you get older, can you still take care of yourself? Are you mobile? Can you stand and walk on your own or do you need a walker? Do you have the capability to wipe your own butt? Do you still have a drivers license? Who the heck thinks about these things when you are young and able? Those questions didn’t even cross my mind when I thought about getting older and living to be 100. Look. It’s easy for us to judge other people’s situations. It’s easy to give counsel and provide suggestions for how to “get over” those feelings of hopelessness. But how much do we really know? We don’t walk in their shoes. How could we possibly understand the emotions and feelings that they are experiencing? Trying to keep an open mind, I tried putting myself in my aunt’s position. Here’s what I considered:
She lives with her sister, my aunt, and they live in the house I grew up in.
She has never been married and has no children of her own.
She is not in the best of health.
She takes care of my aunt, who recently suffered a stroke.
Neither of them is in good health.
I don’t know the extent to which they receive help from my cousins, and I don’t know the degree to which they have contact with my cousins or her brother.
I also don’t believe she is active in her community.
She is a devout Catholic.
What Would You Do?
Again. It’s easy for us to judge others and make statements like, “Well, if I were her I would…” Honestly, if her situation was yours, would you say you’re ready for God to take you? Granted, I still have a limited perspective on what’s really going on in her life. But, based on the little insight that I have into her life, my answer would be yes. I feel that human beings have an innate need for human contact be it conversation or the physical touch. The lack of a having a sense of belonging, the lack of feeling that you are a part of something, of knowing that you are appreciated, and that you have purpose coupled with the fact that your health is not the best all contribute to the feelings of “I am tired” and “I am ready”.
I’d like to think that if she lived near me, these feelings would begin to fade. Rather than be physically isolated, she would be in constant contact with my sister, my brother, and me. My mom is here as well as her great nieces, great nephews, great, great niece, and great, great nephews. We’d all help out with my aunt (her sister) so it doesn't become overwhelming. Being near family is important as the ability to remain independent begins to diminish with age. Whether it is a physical limitation or a financial limitation, the family would be around to help. While I believe moving would help reduce the “feeling of being tired,” it is not a solution that can be easily executed.
I offer two perspectives for the question, “Is life better when you get older?”
Perspective Number 1: If my aunt is truly tired- physically and emotionally- with her life AND she is of sound body and mind, then who am I to judge her? Some people just don’t have the fortitude to live life as more and more challenges are placed before them. So, life doesn’t necessarily get better as you get older, you just get tired.
Perspective Number 2: Mindset plays a big factor in how you approach “does life get better as you get older?” When the looks start to fade, and the body isn’t as agile. When you can no longer drive because you can’t see things, or you can’t react in a timely manner. When you’ve lost your partner of 30 years and your kids have all moved away. Your outlook on life might not be the greatest as all these things can be overwhelming. So much so that it takes your breath away and all you want to do is crawl into a shell and hide. “I’m so lonely” or “Take this ache away” are thoughts that frequently cross your mind. While there are many things you cannot control, you can control how you react to the tragedies, the struggles, and to the disappointments that life doles out. Life isn’t necessarily better as you get older, it’s just different. You may yearn for the days when you were young but look at where you are now and think of all the adventures you’ve been on, the things that you’ve experienced, the impact you’ve had on others. Find the things that bring you joy. If life throws you a curve ball, readjust your stance, and position yourself to handle that change.
So. What’s The Answer?
The answer I’m about to give is one that I’ve not particularly liked. However, it is fitting. The answer to “Is life better when we get older?” is it depends. It depends on YOU. Like many things in life, you need to prepare. When you go away to college, you pack the essentials, buy what you don’t have, purchase your books (do they even give out physical books anymore?), and you walk the campus to become familiar with where things are. When you get married, you set a date, decide on a venue, plan the wedding, and send out invites (I know there are more tasks that you need to consider!) When you go on vacation, you decide where you want to go, how are you going to get there, where will you stay, what do you need to bring with you, and what places will you visit. Preparing for when you get older is no different. Retirement and getting old are not things you want to think about when you are young. Saving for retirement is something that is often overlooked. But it is something that you have control over. The more you can plan, the easier it will be when you reach that point in your life. You need to consider this unless you intend to work until you die. Where will you live? What will you do when you retire? Do you have a will in place?
Finally, you must be in the right mindset. Having a baby may seem simple, but the reality of conception and pregnancy are far from simple. On the contrary, it is extremely complicated. The fact that you are here and that there is only ONE of YOU is truly a MIRACLE. Be grateful for your life and the fact that you have experienced the things you have. Some people are not as fortunate to have lived so long. Do things that excite you! While you might have lost your significant other, resist the urge to isolate yourself. Get involved with your community or church. Leave your footprint in this world and make it better than how you found it.
Happiness is not something you find, but rather something you create. - Zig Ziglar
